- To reduce the death rate on weekends Jeremy Hunt has redefined a week as a period of 91 days. In each week there will be ninety Mondays and one Sunday. With only four Sundays each year, Mr Hunt has dramatically reduced the weekend death rate per annum, and has also ensured doctors work significantly less anti-social hours. This is good news for the profession and the public.
- To adjust for any perceived increase in antisocial hours, all junior doctors will be paid double time on the 29th of February. This will help adjust for the proven 11% increase in hospital deaths in leap years.
- Following further government funded and interpreted Research into patient safety, all patients in outpatient clinics will now be obliged to wear amulets and lucky charms.
- The in-hospital mortality rate will be set at an approved level in order to simplify the interpretation of research. In order to achieve this mortality rate, ‘death’ can be redefined more broadly to include ‘quite sick’, ‘elderly’ and ‘tired’.
- Sick pay of all medical staff will continue to be made in accordance with EU law. ‘Sick’ in this context requires confirmation by a consultant physician of multi-organ failure or brain death.
- Night shifts will be redefined as running from between 2 am and 3 am. The remaining hours will be classed as a day shift, or the new ‘twilight shift’ for which there will be no financial remuneration. Doctors will instead get kudos (or other metaphysical rewards).
- Maternity pay will continue to be provided and expectant mothers will be eligible between the onset of contractions and crowning. During delivery of the body of the infant doctors in labour will be contractually obligated to continue normal duties, even if a baby and umbilical cord coming out of their vagina becomes a hindrance to clinical practice. Those claiming maternity leave by faking contractions will be struck off the medical register.
- The government will merge various disciplines in the NHS to ensure a highly streamlined, efficient healthcare service. This will mean redefining the role of junior doctors. From now on junior doctors will become ‘Multidocs’, and will take on the responsibilities of physiotherapists, nurses, healthcare assistants, receptionists, morticians, security and canteen staff. This will result in significant savings as these other roles will no longer be required. Any sacked hospital employees who complain will be branded an enemy of the state and derided publicly in the Sun newspaper for interfering with Progress.
- All capital related to healthcare will be auctioned off in order to create large savings for the public in a time of austerity. The term ‘hospital’ will be redefined to include vacant laybys, stalls at car-boot sales, derelict and flood damaged properties and bits of waste ground behind allotments.
- All stethoscopes of employed Multidocs will be handed in to the Department of Health and sold off. Multidocs will be required from now on to use two plastic cups and a piece of string.
- Locum doctor rates will be continued to be paid by the hour.
- An hour in the above context consists of 120 minutes (600 minutes if the locum doctor is affiliated with the British Medical Association).
- The department of health would like to remind all Multidocs that High Treason under UK law is, and always has been, defined as the following:
‘Plotting the murder of the sovereign, levying war against the sovereign and adhering to the sovereign’s enemies, attempting to undermine the lawfully established line of succession, and making applications for study leave.’
- From today forth the BMA and affiliated fundamentalists will be classified as a terrorist organisation — those wearing the badges of the BMA, or using its headed notepaper, will be prosecuted for inciting government hatred and anti-neoliberalism.
- Payment for on-call shifts will be made in Zambian Kwacha only. All revenues paid to the DoH must be made in gold bullion.
- The maximum hours a Multidoc can work will be capped. A long and complicated freedom of information request must be made in order for individual Multidocs to find out the number of hours they are allowed to work per week, and doctors are warned this process may take more hours than they have available in their free time, and are therefore advised not to bother.
- The Ministry of Health will be doing its bit to make savings — to reduce the volume of paper and the cost of ink, the wasteful 25 letters in ‘Secretary of State for Health’ will be reduced to just eight. Jeremy Hunt will now be referred to in all government literature as ‘Overlord’.
Stephen Fabes is a British medical doctor, travel and humour writer currently six years into a bike ride around the world.